Learning Things the Hard Way
I met a man from Texas last summer, and as much as I hate to admit it, I fell in love with him.
His warm brown eyes and curly hair, his laugh, his hands, his mind, his heart. I fell in love with all of it. my father knew he wasn't a good man, my friends knew he wasn't a good man, i knew he wasn't a good man. Yet, something made me want to stay and become enchanted with him. Our romance was brief, but intense and heavy. It came and went like the perfect summer breeze on a hot sunny day. He was the breeze that relieved me and made me forget of the worries i carried with me. he was the distraction that made me forget the responsibilities i had. being with him made me feel like i was the only person that mattered. i was nobodies sister, neighbor, daughter...i was just me. selfishly living for me and no one else. being in his truck listening to junior h (silly, i know) i wasnt worried about the pressures of being the oldest in an immigrant household. i was living a version of my life where i chose to live for me. where i chose to be a 20-something year old stupidly in love. where i chose me. but i knew it wasn't meant to last. i knew my selfish breeze would leave once the leaves turned brown and the sun hid behind clouds of grey.
i tried to hold on as long as i could. but eventually there was nothing to hold onto. i knew what i was doing was wrong, that in the end i would be the one hurt. a part of me also knew that i was holding on to him because i couldn't face the heartbreak that would follow. i didn't want to admit i had fallen in love. i was the proud daughter of hard working immigrants. the daughter that works full time while going to school full time. the daughter that helps her father's business, the obedient daughter. what a shame if i had foolishly fallen for a man that was not of my caliber. i wasn't the girl that fell in love, i didn't have time to fall in love! i was busy with work, working towards my goals, i didnt have the time for men. my pride was on the line in admitting i had fallen for a man. and to work thru the emotions that were left by him, spilling out of my sigh broken heart.
it seems that no matter how many times people around me warn me, to ease the burden of the wickedness of this world, i always seem to learn things the hard way. now i just have bittersweet memories as our song play on the radio. as i walk past the park we talked endlessly for hours. as i drink a jaritos outside the taco shop of our first date. quizas sea que el no fue mi destino, pero fue parte del viaje... y eso también vale.
i hate knowing i let a man consume so much of me. i hate knowing that a piece of my heart will always long for him. i hate that i find myself smiling at memories of him and i. i hate that even after moving on, i still search for him in others. i hate that i got to know him so well that i find myself thinking of things he would like, the things he would not like, the things he would be willing to try. i hate knowing that if he called me and tried, i would consider going back.
i find comfort knowing that at least i experienced feeling loved and desired in a way i've never experienced. and i also know he won't be the last man to make me feel that way, but theres something special about the first isn't there?
🎵: American Love Song x Infinity Song
✧･ﾟ: nota final :･ﾟ✧ 🌬 Fuiste viento de verano… y yo fui fuego que no supo apagarse.
(y por si casualidad llegas a ver esto, fuiste la luna en mi desvelo… y yo, estrella fugaz sin dirección- karlita ♥)